Blogabroad
by Mary Pinckney Waters

March 27, 2006 - The Language of Friendship

On the plane ride over the Atlantic, I spoke choppy German to a native, thinking that this would be my language for 100% of the next 300 or so days of my life. I envisioned my return flight at the end of the year: I would be chatting away with Germans on either side, and they would find out I’m headed home, immediately flabbergasted at my American-ness.

I suspect this is the vision in many study abroaders’ minds of improving their language skills. Ridiculously perfect fluency upon return. Rounds of applause from their language professors on their first day back in class. Fellow classmates fighting one other to sit by them on test day.

If that’s you right now, I’m not here to bulldoze your ambitions, but perhaps put them a bit into perspective. Theoretically one might attain fluency in a year’s time. This theory, however, encompasses countless hours of filling in blanks in grammar exercises, reviewing stacks of vocabulary flashcards and ripping out chunks of one’s own hair.

Because the task of learning a language can seem so daunting, many exchange students immediately become discouraged upon arrival in their country of study. They realize after a few weeks of tediously incomprehensible conversations that their end goal of fluency has just jerked itself out of sight. Furthermore, colossal obstacles start appearing, such as one-euro beer night every Thursday or 30 other exchange students who speak their same language.

When the study-abroad students this semester arrived in Bamberg, the first people they met were one other. Twenty minutes after that, language-based cliques formed: the Italian group, the Spanish group, the English group, etc. After a semester here, many of those cliques, unfortunately, remain remarkably intact.

I am proud to say that I’m somewhat of an outsider in the English-speaking group. The majority of my friends here are Germans, a situation that has helped me more than any to prioritize what I want to accomplish here.

Initially I tried to speak nothing but German with them, which accommodated the small talk of any friendship’s start. After a while though, the relationships outwore superficial topics and moved to a more intimate level. I realized my ability to recognize the Germans’ personalities very easily, as they were speaking comfortably in their native language. Although my personality is, no doubt, shown when I speak German, I can now appreciate how easy it is to convey my qualities through the quirks of the English language.

As a result, my German friends and I have conversations in both German and English, for the sake of understanding one another as much as possible – and not just in the sense of words. Before coming to Germany, I would have never thought I’d have a conversation with a German in English. Talking in English would detract from my goal of German fluency, which is the entire reason I am doing this exchange, right? Not quite, I’ve realized.

Though I may not speak German 100% of the time, I still practice the language to an outstanding degree through my friendships with Germans, and I can be content with the fact that I’m likely learning more than the full-time members of the (insert-language-here) foreign-exchange clique. But the main point: I’m learning so much more than the German language …

Befriending someone in a foreign tongue demands analysis, especially when you’re still mastering the language. Read any cheesy self-help book: communication is the key to any relationship. Imagine if you invested an honest amount of effort and time each day analyzing how you and your friends at home communicate. How much do you communicate with your words? How much is unspoken? How much of your personality do you reveal, and how do you do it?

I know these questions seem like they belong in your psych professor’s bright-eyed ramblings, but that’s because they don’t force themselves upon many (most?) people.

If you happen to be learning a language at the moment, go make friends with a native speaker. No, I don’t mean just have a few lame 30-minute GMP sit-downs – really get to know him or her and vice versa. You’ll have an advantage because your partner will know English, and trust me: you’ll learn a lot more than indefinite articles and when to use the dative case. If you’re like me, you’ll find yourself pondering the core components of a friendship and the subtleties that influence them.

Mary Pinckney Waters welcomes your comments and feedback: marypwaters@yahoo.com