This month we tackle two thorny problems: cop speak and keeping readers oriented.

Cop speak continues to plague many stories. This is from one about police shooting a man after a football game:

Columbia police responded to reports of numerous shots being fired at that location, Scott said. Responding officers arrived near a parking lot and observed several individuals exchanging gunfire in a large crowd. Scott gave no motive for the gunfight.

Scott said, “Instead of running away from the gunshots, police ran into the gunfire. Columbia Police officers preserved the lives of several citizens by their actions. We will not tolerate illegal gun activity in the city of Columbia.”

“This is an extremely unfortunate incident,” Scott said. “The Columbia Police Department supports the officer’s decision in that other lives were saved and the public was protected. I have been in contact with several community leaders this morning discussing the situation. We are going to ensure that we have a conversation with the community about game-day safety in the city of Columbia.”

This sort of turgid cop speak sends readers elsewhere and hurts credibility by making news organizations sound like branches of City Hall or the police station.

• “At that location”: The location was last mentioned in the story five paragraphs earlier as a street corner. Why make readers connect the dots? The significance was that it was after a football game at the Benedict College stadium two blocks away. So why not say that?
• “Responding officers arrived”: If they arrived, they responded. And is parking lot needed? The significance is not explained. Was the crowd in the parking lot?
  
• “Observed”: Classic cop speak for “saw.”
  
• “Individuals”: Also known as “people.”
  
• “Exchanging gunfire”: “Shooting at each other.” (Sometimes more words are more friendly.)
  
• The police chief’s first quote says little. When police run toward gunfire, that’s their job, not news. Other lives being saved is repeated in the second quote. Give the chief his “We will not tolerate,” but leave it at that. (And it still seems out of place, but since this came from a news release, there needs to be a discussion whether moving it out of order for better flow and clarity is justified.) Also, a colon should have been used after “said” because what follows is a multisentence quote. But why awkwardly attribute at the beginning?
  
• Break up the second quote to give it a friendlier feel.

The proposed rewrite:

Columbia police responded to reports of numerous shots fired in the area, about two blocks from the Benedict College stadium, Scott said. Officers saw several people shooting at each other in a large crowd. Scott gave no motive for the gunfight.

“We will not tolerate illegal gun activity in the city of Columbia,” the chief said.

“This is an extremely unfortunate incident,” Scott said. “The Columbia Police Department supports the officer’s decision in that other lives were saved and the public was protected.”

Scott said he had contacted community leaders and, “We are going to ensure that we have a conversation with the community about game-day safety in the city of Columbia.”

The second issue is less obvious, but sometimes more jarring – failing to keep readers oriented in time or space:

Sarah Dawsey was not smiling last week. Not since Hurricane Irene on Aug. 26 tore to pieces the critical island for sea turtle nesting, just as the season’s eggs were hatching.

She pivots an ATV around the shreds of a maritime forest on Cape Island, across a thin strip of remaining beach that was secondary dunes before Irene. She is headed to the dune hatchery where U.S. Fish and Wildlife relocates sea turtle nests that are in jeopardy of being swamped by tides.

We’ve whiplashed the reader by going from past to present in a millisecond. Two paragraphs later, we learn it’s Thursday. Using “said” with every quote, instead of “says” once the reader has been transported back, compounds the disjunction.

Readers should always be guided gently through time and space and reoriented at every step. Here’s one way:

Sarah Dawsey was not smiling last week. Not since Hurricane Irene on Aug. 26 tore to pieces the critical island for sea turtle nesting, just as the season’s eggs were hatching.

It’s Thursday, and she pivots an ATV around the shreds of a maritime forest on Cape Island, across a thin strip of remaining beach that was secondary dunes before Irene.

Or try this:

Sarah Dawsey is not smiling. Not since Hurricane Irene on Aug. 26 tore to pieces the critical island for sea turtle nesting, just as the season’s eggs were hatching.

It’s this past Thursday, and Dawsey is pivoting an ATV around the shreds of a maritime forest on Cape Island, across a thin strip of remaining beach that was secondary dunes before Irene.

Taking care to reorient readers makes the writing easier to digest. We can’t afford reader indigestion when the easiest thing to do is to stop reading.

Doug Fisher, a former AP news editor, teaches journalism at the University of South Carolina and can be reached at dfisher@sc.edu or 803-777-3315.