Common Sense Journalism

Getting a good start

By Doug Fisher

The year is young, so it's worth getting a good start by looking at some of the issues that keep arising at the start of our stories.

For instance, the "tin ear" lead resurfaced in several papers as I was on the road when 2008 began. Here's one:

Tornado Bus Co. Inc. driver Felix Badillo Tapia took a sip of his soft drink and began choking on something as his westbound bus crossed the Interstate 40 median near Forrest City and entered the eastbound lanes on Nov. 25, Tapia told authorities.

When we hear a name in third person – "Tapia took" – we expect a different narrator. Violating that produces the old "Bob Dole says Bob Dole" construction comics love to ridicule.

(The awkward headline reflected the lead: "He choked on drink, bus driver told police" instead of "Bus driver told police he choked on drink.")

We also can delete the stilted cop-speak and process-oriented "entered the eastbound lanes" (it can be assumed when a westbound vehicle crosses a median and is hit by oncoming traffic, as the story explained). We can also simplify to "sipped":

Tornado Bus Co. Inc. driver Felix Badillo Tapia told authorities he sipped his soft drink and then began choking on something as his westbound bus crossed the Interstate 40 median near Forrest City on Nov. 25.

A 43-word lead is now 36 words and less grating on the ear.

The same crash led to an earlier "plugged" 45-word lead with too much detail:

The driver of a commercial bus in a Nov. 25 crash on Interstate 40 near Forrest City that killed four was under the influence of amphetamines at the time of the accident and is now charged with four counts of negligent homicide, authorities said Thursday.

Some questions:

–Is Nov. 25 needed? The exact date probably makes you, if only briefly, turn a mental calendar. "November" is easier to grasp, and here the exact date was repeated in the fourth paragraph. (Contrast this with the first example, where the date made sense in the lead).

–Is "commercial" needed? We're not likely to mistake this for a school bus (because of the emotional interest, we'd probably specify that if it were one). If the distinction with, say, a charter bus is important, it probably can be explained later. And then we can shorten it further to "bus driver."

–Does "at the time of the accident" do any work?

Recast to 35 words:

The bus driver in a November crash that killed four on Interstate 40 near Forrest City was under the influence of amphetamines and is now charged with four counts of negligent homicide, authorities said Thursday.

Finally, there is the classic space and time waster masquerading as a way to make a story more readable, like this wire-service lead:

It's the Holy Grail of rugged men in western dramas. It's the glittery metal used in fancy jewelry. It's the highest honor in the Olympics. And these days, gold's appeal as a safe-haven investment has carried it to record prices.

Forty words produce just a fuzzy idea of what the story is about. But there is hard news here, in the next paragraph:

Gold futures surged above $880 yesterday to the highest level ever, not accounting for inflation, propelled by rising oil prices and a weak U.S. dollar.

Making readers sort through several sentences of "What's My Line?" wastes their time without noticeably greater understanding. Get to the news using the second paragraph, slightly recast, as the lead:

Gold futures surged above $880 yesterday to the highest level ever, not accounting for inflation, propelled by rising oil prices, a weak U.S. dollar and the metal's appeal as a safe-haven investment.

In 33 words you have all that most people need to know. Want to make it more reader-friendly? Instead of a mushy lead, move higher the information 10 grafs down that, despite rising jewelry prices, dealers do not see a run of people seeking to sell gold. Your reader is more likely to identify with this than with the Old West or Olympic medals.

When our readers' time is more valuable than ever, wasting it may be the bigger crime than to be a little bland in getting to the point. Let's resolve to do better.

Doug Fisher, a former AP news editor, teaches journalism at the University of South Carolina and can be reached at dfisher@sc.edu or 803-777-3315.