A series problem
By Doug Fisher
A series
problem.
Got a minute?
We’ve got a series problem to discuss.
Yeah,
you know, those constructions that list a bunch of items
in a row, separated by comas or sometimes semicolons? Listen,
this’ll be just a little secret between you and me.
But a lot of those things we put in the newspapers and punctuate
like they’re series, well, they’re not.
Look at
this lead from a wire-service story:
Priests
sexually abused teenage girls, used cocaine and other drugs,
and one had an affair with a female parishioner, according
to allegations contained in personnel files maintained by
the Boston Archdiocese.
I know.
“Contained” isn’t needed, either. But
let’s stay focused so that we can spot the prey in
the wild.
All the
elements of a series should be parallel. Each element also
should complete the introductory phrase naturally.
The introduction
here is just one word: Priests. So we have Priests sexually
abused teenage girls. Priests used cocaine and other drugs.
Priests one had an affair ...
That last
one doesn’t make any sense. We’ve changed the
subject, from priests to one. Once that happened, we lost
the parallelism. But, you say, the writer wasn’t trying
for a series. He had two elements and then properly separated
the independent clause beginning with “and one had.”
So we effectively get: Priests sexually abused teenage girls,
used cocaine and other drugs. One had an affair ...
That touch
might be appropriate if you’re trying to create the
atmosphere of a mystery story (He stopped suddenly, stood
there motionless. Then he turned ...), but it doesn’t
work particularly well in news stories, and in any case
it’s a stylistic well we don’t want to draw
from too often. So the solution is to drop a comma and add
a conjunction.
Priests
sexually abused teenage girls and used cocaine and other
drugs, and one had an affair with a female parishioner,
according to allegations in personnel files maintained by
the Boston Archdiocese.
These
are more common than you might think. I see two or three
a day in the papers I read. You don’t just have to
change the subject to throw a series out of whack. Changing
the verb inside the series causes the same problem, and
it’s not always easy to spot. Here’s one that
goes out of parallel because the verb changes from “earned”
to “is working”:
She earned
her bachelor’s degree in human development and family
studies from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro,
a master’s degree in education from USC in 2000, and
now is working on a doctoral degree.
Becomes:
She earned
her bachelor’s degree in human development and family
studies from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro
and a master’s degree in education from USC in 2000,
and now is working on a doctoral degree.
That comma
before the final phrase will bother some people because
what follows is not an independent clause. But in a sentence
this long – and with the “and now” construction
– it works. However, if it still bothers you there’s
a simple fix we don’t use enough. Just drop the subject
back in: and now she is working on a doctoral degree.
Here are
some other examples:
... the
officials ran into difficulties getting bank loans, credit
cards and maintaining their accounts they had opened. (difficulties
getting bank loans and credit cards and maintaining ...)
The $25
surcharge on all misdemeanor traffic tickets, $100 on all
drug convictions and the $100 fine on most DUI convictions
... (The $25 surcharge on all misdemeanor traffic tickets,
the $100 surcharge on all drug convictions, etc. Or this
way: The surcharges of $25 on all misdemeanor traffic tickets
and $100 on all drug convictions and the $100 fine ...)
Problems
also arise with “but” instead of “and”
as the connector. In those cases, the initial elements often
are better grouped using “and,” thereby highlighting
the contrast embodied in the subsequent “but.”
A controversial
two-year investigation of the S.C. Corrections Department
produced 27 convictions (and) sent six corrections officers
to prison, but found no widespread crookedness.
It’s
easy to get into some other funky constructions as well
because our inner ear tends to smooth things out when we
write. This is where editors must be vigilant. This comes
from another wire-service story:
The dead
were identified as Billy Knox Sr., 61; his son, Billy Knox
Jr., 22, both of Huntsville; Benjamin Ferguson, 47, of Huntsville;
and David Seiler, 46, a Tennessee man whose hometown was
not immediately available.
The writer
got balled up trying to emphasize that both Knoxes were
from Huntsville. There are two ways to handle it (I like
the last one better):
The dead
were identified as Billy Knox Sr., 61, and his son, Billy
Knox Jr., 22, both of Huntsville; Benjamin Ferguson, 47,
of Huntsville; and David Seiler, 46, a Tennessee man whose
hometown was not immediately available.
The dead
were identified as Billy Knox Sr., 61; his son, Billy Knox
Jr., 22; and Benjamin Ferguson, 47, all of Huntsville, and
David Seiler, 46, a Tennessee man whose hometown was not
immediately available.
So remember,
to use a cliche, that “series” might walk like
a duck and look like a duck – but look at it closely
to make sure it doesn’t lay an egg.
