No. 19 for August 2003
Common Sense Journalism
By Doug Fisher

Staying alert for tin-ear constructions

As journalists, we are supposed to have an ear for telling a good story.

We might have gotten into the business because of our curiosity, or because we like dealing with people, or because we seek to right some wrongs. But ultimately, we must communicate what we have found in a way that makes people want to pay attention.

We must tell a good story, and that means we must recognize and try to use the storytelling and linguistic patterns that our readers or viewers expect.

Good spinners of tales know these patterns: Subject-verb-object, active sentences, noun before pronoun, expected point of view.

That last one means the point of view from which the reader, listener or viewer expects the story to be told given the word order. Shift that view unexpectedly, and the writing can sound as off-key as a wooden spoon hitting a tin pot. So it is with more “Bob Dole-isms” that seem to be creeping into the news pages lately.

We smiled and ridiculed Dole’s ungainly “Bob Dole says Bob Dole …” constructions during the 1996 presidential campaign. But similar constructions in our own stories can leave readers wondering if we also have a tin ear.

Consider these examples:

• Eric Rudolph survived five years in the wilderness by killing wild game, scrounging for food and bundling in sleeping bags, he told sheriff’s deputies during his weekend in the Cherokee County Jail.
• U.S. Sen. Fritz Hollings will not run for re-election if his party can find another strong candidate, the 81-year-old Democrat indicated Tuesday.
• State Superintendent of Education Inez Tenenbaum will give serious thought to running for the U.S. Senate next year if Democratic incumbent Fritz Hollings decides to call it quits after nearly 30 years, she said Wednesday.

When a sentence starts by saying someone will do or did something, our brain shifts to expect third-person narration, not that person speaking of himself or herself. So the first example loses its tinniness if reworded this way:

• Eric Rudolph survived five years in the wilderness by killing wild game, scrounging for food and bundling in sleeping bags, sheriff’s deputies say he told them during his weekend in the Cherokee County Jail.

This also makes immediately clear the information came from the deputies.

Attribution at the end of a sentence referring back to the person who leads the sentence also is not natural. When it does not involve a quote, our brains’ wiring is more likely to expect the attribution to be integrated next to the name.

In each case, this tinniness is easily remedied:

• U.S. Sen. Fritz Hollings indicated Tuesday that he will not run for re-election if his party can find another strong candidate to replace the 81-year-old Democrat.
• State Education Superintendent Inez Tenenbaum said Wednesday she will seriously think about running for the U.S. Senate next year if Democratic incumbent Fritz Hollings decides to call it quits after nearly 30 years.

These off-key constructions can become more confusing in the middle of a story when mixed with a last-name-only second reference. In each case below, the pronoun refers back to the person named in the sentence:

• In the slide, Mann broke her tailbone and a branch impaled her thigh, she said.
• Racing toward the mine shaft containing the young man from Shamokin, Mr. Hummel knew it was going to be a risky operation, he recalls.
• Knotts, R-Lexington, had to pay $40 to take his dog home, he said.

Some easy reworks:

• In the slide, Mann said, she broke her tailbone and a branch impaled her thigh. Or, try this: Mann said that in the slide she broke her tailbone and that a branch impaled her thigh.
• Mr. Hummel recalls that while he raced toward the mine shaft containing the young man from Shamokin, he knew it was going to be a risky operation.
• Knotts, R-Lexington, said he had to pay $40 to take his dog home.

Writers should try to avoid these off-key constructions, and editors should be alert to them. After all, if we want to attract and retain readers, all our copy should sing.

Doug Fisher, a former AP news editor, teaches journalism at the University of South Carolina and can be reached at dfisher@sc.edu or 803-777-3315. Past issues of Common Sense Journalism can be found at http://www.sc.edu/cmcis/news/archive/comsenarchive.html